“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.”

“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.”

“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.”

“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.”

“I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.”

“If I were silent and invisible, I’d fear nobody. And if I were tasteless too, not even the cannibals or modern art critics would touch me.”

“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall Olympics. They could host it in the spring, when all the lovers will flock to see me preform live for the chance to win their affection.”