“If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.”

“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.”

“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible.”

“I want to live for a very, very long time, but it’s important that I take care of my body. When I am 851 years old, I don’t want to look it. No, I want to look 158.”

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.”

“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the spectators show up.”

“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone your whole life.”