“If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”

“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.”

“Guns don’t kill people. Politicians with sharp tongues do.”

“What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.”

“Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a rejection letter from some place I don’t even remember applying to? That’s like a homeless person walking up to me and saying, “You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.”