“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already dead.”

“If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.”

“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.”

“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.”

“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.”

“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”