“I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.”

“I want to steal 100 years. If I get caught, it’ll be the trial of the century.”

“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me, but for it. I like how that sounds. I think I’ll call it “It.” Boy or girl, It is perfect.
”

“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom.
”

“I want to write a short story where the protagonist is a globe, and all the secondary, or “flat” characters, are all maps. It’ll be a story about boundaries.”

“I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.”

“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY
”