“I’m a big cat lover, so I thought it’d be cool to join the Black Panther party. But can you believe it, those fucking honkies wouldn’t let me in.”

“I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after well over a decade of continuous war, all they do is fuck around.”

“In a bookstore you can find me in the romance section, because I’m not a lover, I’m a reader.”

“Is your bed big enough? Because if it is, I can always join you and crowd it up a bit.”

“For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not those of a self-lover.”

“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they wouldn’t even have been married!)
”

“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.”