“I’m a Colorado boy at heart, even though my surrounding body is like the landmass containing the encircling 47 states. But I love like Hawaii and Alaska—hot and cold and from a distance.”

“I would visit Hawaii, but I’m not that strong of a swimmer. My strength is all in my heart, and I love like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body looks.”

“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.”

“I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).”

“I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.”

“From a distance it looked like a dog, but it was just a smashed and beaten box. Still, I’m glad I swerved and hit it.”

“I’m like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest approximation I have to a description of love. I would offer you something to drink, but I’m not in the kitchen, even though it may sound like I am.”