“I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.”

“I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment, especially when you consider that including me, there were seven competitors.”

“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.”

“I keep the ketchup in the fridge, though from now on I’m going to keep in the bottle. Less messy, I figure.”

“When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in.”

“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.”

“I’m feeling a little under the weather. But once I open my umbrella, I’m sure I’ll begin to feel better.”