“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”

“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.”

“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory.
”

“Dream dialogue: 
-Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different.
-But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”