“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m sure to find it.”

“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because I’m always in love.”

“I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.”

“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“I can’t go out tonight, because unfortunately I’m all tied up at the moment. I’m not busy, but I am kidnapped.”

“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.”