“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.”

“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.”

“I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I have the definition of a dictionary. If you admire my calves now, just wait a few years. By that time, they’ll be fully grown and will make excellent hamburgers.”

“I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.”

“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.”

“A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.”

“I’m 6’3”, but you would think I was Napoleon’s height because I’m slouched over with poor posture, and I have a lust for conquering Europe.”