“I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I was way behind my time.”

“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and I think you’ll love my kids. You’d better, because you’re going to give birth to them.” This usually works, because after I say this I can immediately go back to being an introvert, as I’m left standing there all alone. 
”

“When I’m tired, I say, “I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?”

“I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.”

“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.”

“I won’t ever walk out on my woman, not even if she gives me Gatorade and says I’m good to go.”

“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.”