“I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.”

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
”

“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”

“I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.”

“I’m hiding in plain sight. I’m right behind my clone.”

“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”

“If I ever meet Michael Phelps, I’m going to tell him that I am that Michael Phelps of random thoughts. Then I’ll challenge him to a game of pool.”