“I’m big on body language. If you give me the air hand job gesture, I might try to stick my dick in your closed, circular hand.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“If instead of a handshake you hold out a fist for a fist bump, I’ll wrap my hand around your fist like it was a circular shower handle, and toggle between hot and cold a few times. But I won’t get naked for you.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”

“How big is my penis? Big enough to touch my hands.”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”