“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the sofa watching TV.”

“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an overstuffed sofa.”

“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only an asshole would buy that.” Then I think, Wait a minute! The advertising agency did research on their client’s target market and which channel and TV shows the ideal demographic watches, right? This would mean a carefully chosen ad campaign to get the product in front of the likely buyers, who in this case, are assholes. And I’m on the chosen channel, which means that I am one of the assholes of interest. Then I get spooked, because how’d they figure out that am asshole? Scary how well they know me.”

“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.”

“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?”

“I don’t just watch TV all day long. I also listen.”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!”