“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.”

“...when I was angry at God because I couldn't go to my son, hold him, and comfort him, God's son was holding my son in his lap.”

“When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I’ll call Peter Parker. I’m calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy’s name was also alliterative, and because, well, it’s my book and I’ll name a guy I dated after Spider-Man’s alter ego if I want to.”

“I’ll make fun of him, but I’ll call him Him, because if I use his name I’ll immortalize him. After all, who is he? He’s merely my clone.”

“I’m afraid I’ll never get over him. I’m afraid that I’ll spend the rest of my life wanting someone I can’t have. I have to get over him. I need to get over him.”

“Menoceus wants his father.""Bob is crying because he wants his mother to stop calling him that crap-ass name. It's all right Bob. Daddy's got you now. I'm saving you fromMommy's bad naming taste. I'd be crying, too, if my mom named me after an idiot.""Menoeceus is a great name.""For an old man or a feminine hygeine product. Not for my son. And next time I get to name the kid and it won't be something that sounds like meningitis.”