“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”

“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”

“There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack.”

“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.”