“I’m in no position to criticize, because I’m in the fetal position, and I’m bound and gagged and stuffed in the trunk of a Mercedes.”

“Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling Champion.”

“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because I’m always in love.”

“I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.”

“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m sure to find it.”

“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.”

“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”