“I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.”

“The cute girl at the bar asked for my number. I told her I’m number one. Then I gave her the area code and the following seven digits.”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!”

“She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

“I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.”

“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so I ignored the knock and that’s why I’m glad it wasn’t her. I wouldn’t want to have ignored the very person I wanted to show up.”

“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.”