“I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.”

“I don’t have a motorcycle, but I do have a picture of a motorcycle helmet. And a photo of a half-eaten Big Mac from 2004. I know, I’m an adrenaline junky.”

“My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out millions of other names.”

“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.”

“How big is my penis? Big enough to touch my hands.”

“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.”

“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to hold my lighter?”