“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!”

“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m sure to find it.”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”

“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because I’m always in love.”

“I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.”

“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.”

“I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.”