“I’m not nervous, but I have butterflies in my stomach. Or at least I will, because I just swallowed a bunch of caterpillars.”

“I’m a nail biter. Not when I’m nervous, but when I misplace my hammer.”

“My dreams have wings. But not soaring eagle wings, more like the wings of a butterfly—colorful and easily ripped off. The last time my dreams got ripped off was when I shopped at Walmart, the place where freedom soars like a caterpillar under the foot of oppression.”

“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you.”

“Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.”