“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).”

“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.”

“I don’t like chili, unless I’m wearing a jacket.”

“Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.”

“When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with a 50% stake.”

“I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.”

“When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.”