“I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.”

“Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times.
”

“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.”

“Not only did I not join, but now I can’t quit. I’m a nonmember for life.”

“People think I’m all gloom and doom all the time. I’m not. I also have bad days where I’m pessimistic.”

“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m the man for the job. I will help you find that man.”

“I can’t go out tonight, because unfortunately I’m all tied up at the moment. I’m not busy, but I am kidnapped.”