“I'm proud to be a Mick, even though I'm not Irish
 My middle name is Mickey, though. Actually, I’m lying.”

“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches out.”

“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired me. I thought “Dick Nose” was a delightfully cute name.”

“Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.”

“What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind.”

“I’m a Colorado boy at heart, even though my surrounding body is like the landmass containing the encircling 47 states. But I love like Hawaii and Alaska—hot and cold and from a distance.”