“I’m putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I’m more like clay.
”

“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.”

“I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”

“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m new to politics.”

“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy boob.”

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?”