“I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.”

“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.”

“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like I’m being followed by a black midget.”

“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.”

“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.”

“I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That’s why I’m wearing a condom.)
”