“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.”

“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because I’m always in love.”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy. 
”

“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.”

“I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.”

“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”