“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody.
”

“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.”

“I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.”

“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow. So, if you see me walking around with a furrow on my brow, you’ll know what I’m doing: I’m helping to save Mother Earth.”

“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.”

“A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money.
”

“I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and thus became a hero to myself. I’m like that all the time. Being heroic, I mean.”