“I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.”

“I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.”

“He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with?
”

“I’m going to go up on my way down. I’m just a sideways sort of person.”

“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.”

“I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.”

“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like I’m fighting. In the face of violence, I’m just that gentle and sensual.”