“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be prepared to one day be a politician.”

“I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep.”

“I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.”

“It’s amazing how my whole body can be covered up in bed except for one inch on my shoulders and I’ll be cold. But when I pull the blanket up all the way, all of one inch, miraculously I’m warm. One inch makes a difference, especially to a man with a two-inch penis.”

“Turn the fan off when I’m talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I’m saying.”

“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.”

“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure I’ll catch up to him.”