“I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.”

“I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.”

“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.”

“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.”

“One thought I think every person eventually thinks is, “Holy shit, I’m going to die!” Sorry, I just turned thirty yesterday, so my mortality is on my mind.
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“When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.”

“I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.”