“I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.”

“I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.”

“I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.”

“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.”

“I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.”

“I’m glad I don’t have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I’d feel overdressed. (It’d be the only time I could feel overdressed by showing too much skin).”

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”