“I’m unemployed, so I’m seeking a handjob.”

“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for a man who will make love to you all night long, then I’m the man for the job. I will help you find that man.”

“I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.”

“I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”

“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.”

“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.”