“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.”

“A high five is a two-person applause. Me and my clone will be excited to clap for you after we present you with the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award. Keep up the great writing!”

“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for success to come to you. Sometimes you just have to create it out of nothingness. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”

“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“Deep down, I’m an introvert. However, high up, I’m an extrovert.”

“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to graduate.”