“I’m wise when it comes to your issues, and a fool when it comes to mine. Emotion is the blindfold we cannot see or feel we’re wearing.”

“Most people wear mind blindfolds. I think that’s stupid. I wear blindfolds over my eyes.”

“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Closing your eyes in that situation could be dangerous.”

“When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.”

“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.”

“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”

“The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why I wear Spandex—so the whole world can see exactly when I’m stiff.”