“I’m working hard to edit my book, so I can get it up for sale so that nobody can rush out and buy it. Hurry and purchase! You don’t want to be the first one to not be the first one.”

“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.”

“Tanks are so big and expensive they should be Buy One Get One Free. If they were, I’d buy 60 of them (I’d save up my allowance money).”

“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the spectators show up.”

“I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.”

“I want to go to the Olympics. But I don’t want to train, so who’s going to buy me a ticket? I also don’t want to ride on a train, so airfare should be included.”

“I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.”