“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I know, some of you are probably thinking, Free! Where do I find those hookers?!”

“A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards. I brought to-go boxes with me. You know, to remember him for as long as I could.”

“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not a cop.”

“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.”

“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're probably thinking, "I don't remember seeing you," or "I've never seen you." And that just goes to show you how good I am.”

“Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with me for free.”

“Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next one half off.”