“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.”

“I won an Oscar. I Won it in a raffle. It’s a replica, but I still gave a teary-eyed acceptance speech. I thanked your mom for being so supportive (she’s got a back like a dining room table).”

“I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.”

“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.”

“I always say “I couldn’t agree more,” even if I wholeheartedly disagree, because whether I completely agree or completely disagree, I couldn’t agree more.”

“Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.”

“I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.”