“In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in History.”

“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.”

“I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.”

“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better lover—and I made it out of clay.”