“In high school they called me “Pizza Face.” Not because I had bad acne, though I did, but because I always wore pepperoni and mushrooms on my face.”

“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”

“Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can’t eat pizza without getting horny.”

“In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.”

“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.”

“My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.”

“I don’t look for faces in clouds, I look for clouds in faces. And the best place to look is at the face of my friend, Carl Cumulonimbus, who I nicknamed “Rain Factory,” because he’s always either in a dark and stormy mood, or crying heavily.”