“In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.”

“I wish to report an attempted murder—on my clone. Someone tried to drink my semen out of beaker number two.”

“Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.”

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?”

“My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.”

“The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever you do, do not drink it!”

“The love doctor, Orafoura, says there are two things that a guy can do to promote a healthy relationship: One, grow out a handlebar mustache, and two, grow a mullet. I don’t know, will radiating lust make me a better lover?”