“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being conjoined twins. The twins didn’t go to our school, and they weren’t homeschooled either. They were 57-years-old and homeless.”

“Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.”

“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.”

“If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”

“When I walk my dog, people always ask if we’re twins.”