“In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some money and automate the front desk position, because they didn’t have to pay Robert, there was no fear of legal action being brought against the company in the form of a frivolous lawsuit, and Robert’s operating cost was only about a nickel a day, give or take four pennies.”

“Robots don’t make better lovers, but Roberts do.”

“As an extreme method of saving, I’d kidnap myself, if I thought I’d actually pay the ransom money before I committed suicide.”

“But they soon found out that Robert just wasn’t personable, which isn’t surprising since Robert isn’t a person. While Robert was always clean and presentable, brushed nickel just doesn’t have the same warmth as a flush of skin from a person genuinely showing interest. And no matter what Robot’s manufacturer says, blinking red lights on the cheeks are not a suitable substitute for a coy blush.”

“I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts. 
”

“Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?”

“If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to myself this morning in the shower.”