“In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up.
”

“I had nothing to eat for desert, so I ate a tube of toothpaste. The coolest part was not having to brush my teeth before bed.”

“This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”

“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty fresh.”

“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and eat them—just like I tried to do to my teammates in my tenure on my high school swim team.”

“What’s next to my bed? One night stand, though personally I find them morally outrageous, not to mention the danger from STDs.”

“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.”