“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”

“I’m growing an Abe Lincoln beard. On my ball sack.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.”

“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.”