“Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress.
”

“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”

“How do you know you are who you are? How do you know you’re not simply a clone of who you think you are?”

“I would tell you I hope you find what you seek in life, but your problem is you’re not looking. The only looking you do is good looking. But really, you’re not that handsome.”

“Do you know how much laughter is in a single bag of chips? Enough to feed a seriously starved midget for a week. Now with 33.3% reduced fat!”

“Participation trophies are junk. If all you have to do is show up, how worthless are they? Unless you’re invisible and deaf, and then one of those trophies would be meaningful, because simply showing up is exactly what is hard for you to do.”

“If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”