“Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.”

“Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.”

“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.”

“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.”

“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you.”

“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.”

“With my big 80s hair, my cut off jean shorts, and my roller skates, I’m going to look sexy on my way to work in the snow this winter. And I just got sled dogs, though I plan on pulling them without putting them on the sled first.”