“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start a fight during that song.”

“Instead of burning the midnight oil, you should try selling it.”

“I want to price my next book and adjust it for the coming hyperinflation. So instead of the normal one dollar price, I’ll charge $1,000,000.00. If I sell one copy now I’ll be a happy man, and if I sell a million copies after hyperinflation hits in a few years then I’ll be equally as happy.”

“Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.”

“I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam
”

“You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam”