“Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.”

“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more control over the relationship than I do.”

“If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity.”

“I want to name my son Justin Case. You know, just in case.”

“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.”

“Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?”

“If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.”